St. Maarten Private Eye

Ima Dogsbody - The Quest for the Code of Conduct

Deep down in the dark tunnels of the Administration Catacombs I ventured, like Frodo in Shelobs Lair, pushing my way through the cobwebs, shadows from my flashlight bouncing around the earthen walls. In the darkness infront and behind me I heard things slithering, strange noises......

I should have known the minute Flipper told me he had a mission, I should have known it wouldn't be the cakewalk he said it would be. I recalled his last words to me.

"We need to know, we need to know if it is real, or just a myth."

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The 'Code of Conduct', the fabled lost manuscript rumored to have been written and presented to the Island Council many years ago by Lt. Governor Franklin Richards, AKA 'Mr Good Governance". This document is believed to be one of the 'Seven Keys of Democracy' needed to safely open the 'Door to New Status', it holds a code that will protect us from the demons of corruption and nepotism that await us on the other side.

The only clue I had was a tiny clipping from one year ago, telling us that it had been dead on arrival at the Administration Building. After that nothing, no word of a burial, no word at all, only silence.

I needed to call in some favors, this was going to take more work than I thought, I decided to contact 'Deep Troat". We used to have a system, if I wanted to see him then I would leave a Heineken bottle and an empty (except for bones) Kentucky box on the Claude Wathey statue outside Govt. Building, but that didn't work out too well as you can imagine. Instead we decided to just use email and not bother meeting..

I told him my quest and he said he would get back to me with what he could find out. It wasn't much, little about the Code, but he learned that when Govt wants to bury something it' doesn't like, it sends it to the catacombs under the Administration building. Catacombs? I had never heard of them before. The only entrance he was able to find out about was surprisingly under the Claude Wathey statue.

I left early to catch Kentucky before it closed, I was hungry and and a long night ahead. By 1am I was creeping through Back Street towards the Admin Building and hoping not to get mugged or shot, ending up as just another link in the Police files of SXM PE. I approached the statue, Claude's eyes seemed to follow me. I pressed his right foot, then his left, then the right twice more and then the left twice, I heard a click and looking down I saw a panel in the sidewalk had opened in the base. I opened it and saw a hole inside, with a ladder leading down, I climbed in and switched on my torch and made sure there was a way to open the door before I closed it, I ain't stupid!

I climbed down the ladder about 20ft to the bottom, a tunnel with a gradual slope downwards led off in the direction of the Administration Building, cut out from the bedrock, the walls dark and glistening in my torch light, I headed down it. After about 100 ft the tunnel leveled off and I came across a side tunnel which I decided to check out, though I was sure where it lead to. I reached a ladder and climbed it, after about 40 ft the rock turned into concrete, the ladder was in the wall of the Admin Building. I reached the top and found a small door, I cracked it open slightly and instantly recognised the office it led to, I had been there just the week before, the office of 'Dr Environment".

I climbed back down, my mission was in the Catacombs, what I was seeking was not in that office. I reached the main tunnel again and continued along it, heading in the direction of the Great Salt Pond. The walls became wetter, slimier and I came across several side tunnels, I knew though that what I was seeking would be buried deeper, it would be protected........

I reached what seemed to be a small cavern, I guessed I was about 100ft underground and approximately under the Little League Stadium. A rotten smell had been growing stronger as I approached this cave and became almost overpowering when I entered, a rotten mouldy smell, I stopped and pulled off my back pack to pull out my mask, bought that afternoon at Ace for $1.95. Just as I pulled it on I felt something hit my arm and looking down I saw a bat on my jacket, but this was no ordinary bat.

I smacked it off my jacket only to feel another hit my back, I reached into my backpack to grab a flare, sparking it and throwing it into the cave, I pulled out my trusty dilithium powered mega swatters, I pushed back against the side of the cave, killing the mutant bat on my back, as the cave lit up and I was how many there were.

As the flare lit up the cave I saw at least 30 of them drop from the ceiling, swooping around the cave which was about 100 feet long and 50 wide, one dived towards me and I swatted it, a loud crack of electricty and a puff of smoke, it bounced off the wall and flopped into the the mud on the floor. Three headed towards me and with my ninja nighthawk training I dealt with them swiftly, I grabbed my pack, slung it on my back and headed across the cave to the tunnel entrance on the other side. It was then that I realised the floor was covered with bones, dogs, goats, even humans.... These bats were being fed, and bred.

Using all my acrobatic nighthawk training I managed to cross the cave, after taking care of three more bats the others seemd to get the message to stay away. I holstered my swatters and pulled out my flashlight, heading deeper into the catacombs, towards the Garbage Dump. I had thought the stench in the bat cave was bad, but it grew worse as I headed down the main tunnel, passing several side tunnels until I noticed a spooky green glow up ahead....

I switched off my flashlight and crept forward till I reached the entrance into a bigger cave, about twice the size of the one before, steps led down to a path that ran through the middle, on either side there were pools of green liquid, it was flowing down the walls from the roof, which was domed, the liquid was giving off the glow. I then noticed some movement at the other end of the cavern where there was another tunnel, ninja-ly I made my way down the steps and using rocks and stalagmites as cover I made my way up the cavern.

Over in one corner there were two humanoid figures, they seemed to be eating, I couldn't tell what, thankfully. They bought to my mind the Morlocks from H.G. Wells Time Machine, sort or neanderthalish, ugly as sin, and both where wearing round rimmed glasses. Marlocks maybe?

They were ravishing whatever was on the menu and so fixated on it that I was able to creep undetected around the other side to the the tunnel and dart in. I moved quiety and using the flashlight for brief moments I made my way along it, noticing two side passages, until I reached a big doorway. It still wasn't safe for me to use the camera, but it looked something like this, but more menacing.

I tried the handle and the door opened. It then dawned on me, those two Marlocks were eating because someone had just fed them, this door was unlocked because someone was in there already........

I peeked through the crack in the door first, there was a small tunnel which seemed to lead to a big cavern from which I could see the glow and flicker of flames. I crept through and down the tunnel to find myself looking down into a big cavernous cave with a big fire pit in the center, around which there appeared to be a ritual area. Cloaked figures were hunched around a big stone table at the far end clearly having a meeting of somekind, I could catch some words when voices were raised, words like ....dolphinarium.....Lord Yung.....The Masters Demand it!.....Dawn Beach.....Private Eye....What's my cut?.....

To my right was a door and I listened at it before slowly opening it and peeking through, it seemed to be an office of somekind, with filing cabinets full of files. In the center was a big chest, with the lid open. I went over to it and right there on top was the "Fabled Code of Conduct". I grabbed it at the same time I heard a chant from the cavern.

All hail the Gods of Progress!

I went to look and saw that the meeting had broken up, I didn't have time to look for anything else. I headed up the tunnel and through the door closing it. I then took off my immitation Rolex Watch and set the alarm (thats how fake it was) for 30 seconds, placing it on the door knob. I went up the tunnel to the closest side passage to the top and hid just inside it. I waited, I could hear the creatures in the cave above muttering and slobbering, seconds ticked by......

Then... a the tinny sound of my fake Rolex Alarm, a version of the 'Birdie Song"...... I heard the creatures come to the top of the tunnel and head down it, they passed me and I crept out and swiftly up the tunnel and across the cave, as I reached the other side I head voices back there and the creatures roar.... time to put on some speed.

I reached back and pulled out a bottle of 'Mauby' from my pack, swigging it back I felt the rush of herbal energy and flew up the tunnel, the torch light barely ahead of me. I heard the creatures behind me, in pursuit.....I passed the side tunnel to the Admin building and then reached the ladder to the square....climbing up I cracked open the panel and looked out. A skinny man mumbling to himself was passing by, one of the lost souls of St. Maarten, they 'see strange things all the time' I thought and climbed out. He saw me and staggered over... got a dollar....

I didn't because Flipper never pays me, so I gave him the rest of my Kentucky meal and headed off through town.

And here I am, safe (?) at home again. All I got was a 'job well done' from Flipper. At least he could give me a T- Shirt!

Governor Richards "Code of Conduct" - Presented in 2002

Your Intrepid Reporter - Ima Dogsbody

How about I buy you dinner, Kentucky is about all i could afford anyway. The Code of Conduct can be found easily in the future by going to the Politics and Government Thread. You will also find there a copy of the PPA Ombudsman Legistlation and the Draft Constitution of St Maarten. - Flipper

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